Planet Utah

Major movie annoyance

Here's one of my biggest movie pet peeves: characters that say things and do things that no one would ever say or do outside of a movie. I'm not talking about a movie like "The Matrix" or "The Exorcist." I'm talking about character-driven and/or conversation-driven movies that purport to be about regular people in a real-world setting. If the characters and settings are interesting enough, you don't need ridiculous words or implausible actions. And if they're not that interesting, you probably shouldn't make a movie about them.

This morning, for example, I watched a movie called "Puccini for Beginners." Never heard of it? That's because it's one of those movies written by a New Yorker, about New Yorkers, for New Yorkers. If you have no personal stake in the belief that New Yorkers are the most complex, interesting, conflicted, intelligent, enlightened people in the world, there's no reason for you to be aware of this movie.

Why, then, did I watch it? Because Gretchen Mol is in it, and I'd pay 10 bucks to watch Gretchen Mol eat a Big Mac. I had to put up with a lot, though, to enjoy Gretchen's 20 minutes of screen time.

Exhibit A was a line of dialogue uttered within the first 30 seconds or so of the movie: "Like everything in my life, this began with opera and me breaking someone's heart."

It is impossible for me to imagine someone saying such a thing EVER...in this universe or any mathematically possible variant, from the beginning of time until God turns off the lights for good...except in the movies.

What's wrong with a kiss, boy?

I have a Netflix subscription, so I watch a lot of movies. (One doesn't necessarily follow the other, but now that you can stream movies instantly to your TV--assuming you have the proper hardware--a new movie is always just a mouse click away.) I've noticed something lately in the movies that has me worried about: a) our culture; or b) my own sex life. Here it is: When the male and female leads realize that they have feelings for each other and want to act on them, they begin to kiss, and the next thing you know...they're having sex. In other words, on the very same day that they acknowledge their feelings, they sleep together.

This doesn't happen every time in the movies, but it happens surprisingly often. So, are the movies screwed up, or is my sex life screwed up? Gotta be one or the other.

Footnote: By the way, the Netflix streaming movie experience can be maddening. More often than not, the movie will stop at random, and this message will appear on your screen: "Your internet connection has slowed. We are adjusting playback to avoid further interruption." Then you have to wait 15 or 20 seconds (or more) for the movie to start again. What's worse, I've had this happen 15 or so times during the course of a single movie. And what's worse still, this has nothing to do with the speed of my internet connection. It has to do with Netflix' bandwidth and its (in)ability to handle demand for streaming content. Netflix, though, would rather blame me than fix the problem on its end.

The crowning insult is that if you go to the Netflix support site, you won't find any mention of the issue. But if you Google the problem on the Web, you will find Netflix customers ranting about it in every corner of the country. It's almost Orwellian of the company to pretend that the issue doesn't exist. (It would be actually Orwellian if they acknowledged it but blamed it on one of Goldstein's minions.)

Boycott? More like a mancott.

David Letterman was already too partisan, too mean-spirited, and too caught up in his own unfunny shtick for me to watch him very often. Then he went on the air with a completely tactless, and utterly icky, confession about having sex with staff members while engaged in a long-term relationship with the woman who is now his wife. Because of that, I don't think I'm going to watch him any more, unless I find myself desperately in need of jokes about: (1) George W. Bush being dumb; (2) Sarah Palin being crazy, and a quitter; and (3) Bill Clinton being a horndog.

Oh wait--I can get those every night from Conan, too. That settles it. I'm not watching Dave any more.

Now let's talk about all of those Hollywood actors, writers, producers, directors, etc., who signed the "Free Roman!" letter/petition. I'm probably off all of their work, too--definitely anything associated with Harvey Weinstein, who referred to Polanski's rape of a 13-year-old girl as a "so-called crime."

Footnote: To Martin Scorsese I can only say, "I know it was you, Marty. You broke my heart. You broke my heart..."

A bona fide, "Hey, whatever happened to...?"

Bridget Fonda

Charles Barkley and the death of shame

Like much of the rest of my demographic, I was watching basketball last night. I couldn't help but notice that not only was Charles Barkley being paid a fat salary by TNT for providing basketball commentary, he was also being paid a fat salary by T-Mobile for endorsing their wireless service.

Keep in mind, this is the same Charles Barkley who: a) recently got a DUI; b) told everyone who cared to listen that he felt compelled to get behind the wheel because--despite being married for 20 years and having a 20-year-old daughter--he was on his way to receive oral sex from a particularly talented and particularly accommodating woman who had accommodated him similarly in the past; and c) has acknowledged losing millions of dollars--including $2.5 million in a six-hour period, and $1 million on a single hand of cards--in Las Vegas casinos, but claimed it wasn't a problem because he could afford to lose the money.

Fifty years ago, Barkley would have been treated as a disgrace, and would have been unable to earn a living as the public face of anything other than a crime syndicate, a brothel, or an underground gambling den. Today, though, he's as mainstream as Jay Leno.

Okay, so maybe you DO sometimes see them at a party together

Even so, if you look at this picture, I think you'll see why I thought Katy Perry and Zooey Deschanel were the same person.

Christian Bale? Not normal.

I know the ladies likes them some Christian Bale, but as far as I'm concerned, this guy is getting into Michael Jackson territory. A long time ago I pointed out that it was not normal to lose all the weight he lost for "The Machinist," and that the only reason to engage in stunt-acting of that sort was a lack of actual talent: If you can't play the part well, at least you can look the part. (Truth be told, I pointed out that he lost all the weight for "The Mechanic," but then Vox--one of the ladies who likes her some Christian Bale, and who used to be a blogger before she discovered Twitter--corrected me.)

I'm beginning to reconsider that appraisal, though, in light of Bale's audiotaped blow-up on the set of the final (God willing) "Terminator" movie. I'm beginning to think that losing the weight was part of a pattern of behavior that betrays Bale's belief that he is not merely a man, but an Actor, and that that is the most important thing a man can be. That makes Bale quite a weirdo in my book.

What am I talking about? Read on...

Prior to the blow-up, I noted that it was strange that Bale sometimes did his interviews with his normal accent, and sometimes did his interviews with an American accent. Once again, Vox explained this to me--apparently, he does media interviews using the accent that his character used in whatever movie he's promoting; this, ostensibly so as not to "confuse" audiences.

Uh-huh.

I mean, first of all, is there any other actor in Hollywood who worries that audiences will be confused by their use of different accents in the movies? When Cate Blanchett went on "The Tonight Show" to promote the last (God willing) "Indiana Jones" movie, did she use her character's Russian accent so that the audience wouldn't be confused? No. That would have been ridiculous. Beyond that, I can't have been the only guy who found it confusing that a movie star used different accents when NOT acting. In fact, if I see a guy use one accent in a movie and another in an interview, well, that makes sense to me. I think to myself, "In the movie, he was...what's the word I'm looking for here?...oh yeah, acting." But if I see a guy use one accent in an interview and then another accent in another interview, now THAT is confusing. And in that case, once it was explained to me, I thought to myself, "Geez, he's kind of narcissistic, or desperate for our approval, or a bit of an exhibitionist, isn't he?" The flexi-accent behavior reminded me of surgeons who joke, or sing, or whistle, or listen to NPR, while they're doing a spine transplant. It's like, "Hey, everybody, look at me. I'm so super-competent, this procedure doesn't even require my full attention. So, while I replace this guy's spine with PVC pipe, I'm going to perform Hamlet's soliloquy. Just sit back and enjoy..."

The final straw for me on Bale was the blow-up--less the fact of the blow-up itself than the fact that he blew up in his American accent. He didn't blow up in character, so that can't be the explanation for the accent. This wasn't a movie promo interview, so that can't be the explanation, either (no potentially "confused" audiences). No, what's going on here, I think, is that Christian Bale is just a weirdo, a guy who is way, way, way too far into his "craft."

Footnote: And now, a rare word of support for Tom Cruise. He's every bit as intense about acting as Bale is. I mean, he takes it VERY seriously. But you don't see him engaging in these bouts of weirdness, or extremism in service of his profession, that Bale does. This is just my way of saying that if you admire Bale's intensity or commitment, you could still admire it without having to put up with the bizarre behavior.

Celebrity sighting

Yes, it's another Austin milestone...saw my first celebrity tonight. Who, you ask? (The English teachers among you probably asked "whom," but you meant the same thing as everyone else.)  Dana Wheeler-Nicholson. You may or may not recognize her face. The most exposure she's gotten in recent years has been on "Friday Night Lights," which is filmed here. But she's probably best known--by me, anyway, and all of my fraternity brothers, and every other college-educated male between the ages of 20 and 42--as Gail Stanwyck in "Fletch."

So, how did she look? Well, she's no Gail Stanwyck. But "Fletch" was 23 years ago, and Dana is now in her late-40s. Comparing her to her roughly 25-year-old self isn't fair. Also, though, I caught her shopping for groceries at the HEB, wearing very little makeup, her hair hastily pulled back in a scrunchy, legs and butt squeezed into purple fat pants, etc. I'm sure with a shower and a little makeover she'd still be quite enchanting.

Footnote: I forgot to mention one thing: no rock! If I could get a date with Gail Stanwyck, I would be a LEGEND, I tell you, a legend! First things first, though. I had to confirm that it was actually she, which I did. Now to start working on my celebrity rap...

What's so terrible about Katie Holmes-Cruise?

I've been reading a bunch of "Dark Knight" reviews, and there seems to be near universal rejoicing that Maggie Gyllenhaal has replaced Katie Holmes. I'm not sure why. I thought Katie was just fine in "Batman Begins," and she's a lot cuter than Maggie Gyllenhaal. So is this just Tom Cruise fallout?

Footnote: somehow, I suspect that Vox will have an opinion.

An odd phenomenon

I love Eddie Murphy. I love movies. And yet, Eddie Murphy almost never makes a movie that I want to see. Judging by this weekend's box office for "Meet Dave" (just north of $5 million), I'm not alone.