Enhanced patdown!

Yesterday at LAX, I went through the full body imager, then had my hands swabbed, then got the enhanced patdown, then had swabs applied to all my carry-on baggage (inside and out), my driver's license, my boarding pass, my belt, and my shoes. And you know what they found? Nothing. 

I would have been okay with this if: (a) it were a random procedure applied to, say, every fifth person; or (b) at the end of it, the TSA people had said, "Okay, we figured out the problem. Did you eat a cinammon bun for breakfast? Sometimes the machines pick up the cinammon residue because it mimics a substance that's used in making biological weapons."

No such satisfaction.

First, I definitely was not subjected to this treatment at random. I was subject to the treatment because: (a) the full body scan showed something in my pockets--even though there was nothing in my pockets, a fact verified by the TSA agents who, naturally, checked my pockets; and (b) the swab-reading machine said I had suspicious residue on my hands, even though I hadn't held anything more suspicious that morning than a Diet Coke.

Second, once the process was done, the TSA guy who frisked me and my luggage just shrugged and said, "Those machines are super-sensitive. Sorry for the delay, and thanks for your patience." No other explanation.

So, I know what you're wondering: How was the enhanced patdown? No big deal. Yeah, the guy ran the backs of his hands over my ass, and he ran both of his hands up both of my legs. He also ran both of his hands over the front of my pants...more in what I would call the "pocket area" than the groin area, but there was incidental contact with the groinal region. And yeah, he ran his fingers around the inside of my waistband. 

As I said, no big deal. I didn't feel sexually assaulted, nor did I feel embarrassed, even though all of this was done in full view of anyone who cared to watch (I declined the offer to have it done in a private room). In truth, my recent colonics were far more degrading.

Mostly I felt angry that I was made even later for a flight for which I was already late...and all for no reason in particular. 

Footnote: The last time I made alarms go off--literally--both the walkthrough magnometer and the lady with the wand said that I was packing metal. I said I was not. You know what though? I was--in the form of metal collar tabs. Totally forget about them...so in that case, the machines were absolutely right.

Yesterday, though, the machines were being malevolent, and were using human beings to further their ends...yes, EXACTLY like The Matrix.

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