A real sports guarantee

This week, some chucklehead with the Steelers "guaranteed" a win against the Patriots. Let's say that the Steelers win. The media will go to this guy, stick a microphone in his face, and let him say things like, "I knew it. I knew we had the heart and the courage. That's why I guaranteed a win. Y'all laughed at me, but I knew it, I guaranteed it, and we delivered it. How do you like me now?"

And if the Steelers lose? The media will pretty much leave him alone, and he'll dress quietly and go home.

That's why I hate the sports guarantee: it's all upside. There's no consequence if you fail to deliver.

It would be easy enough to change that. Imagine this: "I guarantee a win this Sunday. You can write it down. Ain't no way we gonna lose. You want to know how sure I am? If we fail to deliver a win, I'll have both of my arms amputated at the shoulder. I've already lined up a doctor and reserved an operating room. The money for the surgery is in escrow. I've also had an electronic device planted in my brain and wired to the stadium scoreboard. If the scoreboard has us behind when time runs out on Sunday, the device will immediately render me unconscious for a period of 24 hours. That's just long enough to get me to the operating room, have the surgery done, get me to the recovery room, and get me stabilized. Once I'm unconscious, if anyone tries to take me somewhere other than the operating room, the device in my brain will deliver a lethal dose of electricity to them. It's fitted with a tiny GPS communicator that's been programmed with a predetermined route, so it will know exactly where my body is being taken. My doctor and his surgical team have been quarantined in the operating room, which is at a location known only to them, to me, and to a driver that I hand-picked. The driver has been quarantined separately, and will be given instructions on Sunday once the game is over -- come to the stadium and pick me up, or head on home. Until then, no one in quarantine will be able to send or receive communications of any sort. All of this is being monitored and enforced by a team of armed guards -- 20 men that I rescued from an abandoned Romanian orphanage when they were infants, and have raised as my own. They would rather die than disobey an order from me. A separate team of guards (also former Romanian orphans) will be responsible for accompanying my driver and my body from the field to the operating room should we lose on Sunday. If anyone tries to interfere, the guards have been instructed to respond with lethal force."

Now THAT'S a guarantee.